Maddie James
What Boys Want is a 2013 article published in TIME that explores the emotional lives of boys and how they navigate relationships and cultural changes. The article delves into the complexities of male adolescence, including issues such as hook-up culture, digital communication, and the impact of societal expectations on mental health. With a focus on understanding the male perspective, What Boys Want highlights the challenges boys face in expressing their emotions and seeking help, contributing to a deeper understanding of their experiences and the need for improved support systems.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Date | 2nd December 2013 |
| Publisher | TIME |
| Main Focus | Boys' mental health and emotional lives |
| Topics | Suicide rates, hookup culture, digital communication, depression, academic achievement |
| Key Points | Boys are less likely to report depression and more likely to die by suicide than girls; boys are navigating cultural changes and new forms of communication without adequate support; the internet and digital communication have changed the rules of courtship |
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What You'll Learn
Boys' mental health
One significant factor is the societal expectation for boys to conform to traditional masculine norms, which often involve suppressing emotions and displaying strength. This can make it difficult for boys to express their feelings and seek help when needed. They may feel pressure to appear "tough" and in control, which can lead to bottling up emotions and struggling in silence. This is supported by the fact that boys are less likely to report depression, making it more challenging to provide them with assistance. According to Niobe Way, a professor of applied psychology at NYU, "As boys enter manhood, they do, in fact, begin to talk less." This highlights the tendency for boys to become less communicative about their feelings as they grow older, which can negatively impact their mental health.
The changing cultural landscape, including the rise of hookup culture and digital communication, has also left boys and their parents at a loss. Boys may struggle to navigate the complex rules of courtship and the lack of established guidelines in the digital realm. They may feel pressure to engage in certain behaviours, such as requesting potentially compromising photos from girls, as a form of insurance against rejection or to test boundaries. This can have negative consequences for both parties and contribute to a sense of confusion and uncertainty among boys.
Additionally, boys are paying a price for their deficit in communication skills, which is reflected in elevated rates of depression and a decline in academic achievement. They may find it challenging to express their emotions effectively and seek help when facing emotional turmoil, such as breakups or relationship issues. This can lead to feelings of isolation and a sense of being unable to confide in parents or other trusted adults.
To address these challenges, it is crucial to encourage open dialogue about boys' mental health and provide them with the tools and support they need to express their emotions in healthy ways. This may include educating boys about the importance of emotional intelligence, providing them with role models who display positive coping strategies, and fostering environments where they feel safe and supported in sharing their feelings without fear of judgment. By addressing these issues and breaking down the barriers that prevent boys from seeking help, we can improve their mental health outcomes and overall well-being.
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Hook-up culture
The rise of hook-up culture has been described as a "cultural revolution" with its origins in the 1920s, or even earlier, shaped by historical and cultural forces. It represents a significant shift in how casual sex is perceived and accepted, especially among young adults and adolescents in North America and the Western world. The popularity of hook-up culture can be influenced by various factors, including societal norms, media representations, and individual motivations.
Some individuals embrace hook-up culture due to the freedom and sexual liberation it offers, allowing them to explore their sexuality without the constraints of traditional relationships. They may seek instant gratification, physical pleasure, or a transient feeling of being chosen by a peer. Additionally, the availability of dating applications has made casual sexual encounters more accessible and effortless.
However, hook-up culture has also been criticised for its potential negative impacts on mental health, particularly among young adults. It has been associated with an increase in attachment disorders, skepticism towards long-term commitments, and a decline in mental well-being. The emphasis on freedom over commitment can lead to feelings of disconnection and contribute to anxiety and depression. Furthermore, hook-up culture has been linked to a rise in unwanted sex, unsafe power dynamics, and internalised misogyny, especially within college campuses.
The ambiguous nature of hook-up culture can lead to miscommunication and unhealthy power dynamics. It is important for individuals to establish clear boundaries, communicate their needs, and respect the consent of their partners to ensure safe and consensual encounters. While hook-up culture offers a certain level of sexual freedom, it is crucial to prioritise individual well-being and make informed choices.
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Boys' emotional lives
In their book "Raising Cain", child psychologists Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson shed light on the emotional lives of boys. They argue that boys need to be more "emotionally literate", and that parents and teachers need to be involved in this process. The book highlights the destructive emotional training boys often receive, where they are taught that "cool" equals macho strength and stoicism. This emotional miseducation can lead to serious issues such as suicide, alcohol and drug abuse, violence, and loneliness. Kindlon and Thompson provide valuable suggestions for staying connected with boys while respecting their autonomy and helping them develop emotional awareness and empathy.
Social norms have often denied or belittled men who express emotions other than anger and rage. Boys have traditionally been expected to conform to narrow gender stereotypes, and displaying fear or sadness has been seen as a sign of weakness. This has resulted in boys receiving little encouragement to develop qualities such as compassion, sensitivity, and warmth.
The book also addresses the impact of hookup culture and digital communication on boys' emotional lives. The rise of digital communication has opened up new ways for boys to express themselves, but it has also created a lack of established rules that can be confusing and scary. Boys are navigating cultural changes with limited communication skills, which is taking a toll on their mental health and academic achievement.
"Raising Cain" provides insight into the inner lives of boys and offers guidance for parents, teachers, and anyone interested in raising emotionally healthy young men. It emphasizes the importance of recognizing and validating boys' emotions and helping them develop the tools to express and manage their feelings in healthy ways.
While the book focuses primarily on boys, it also acknowledges the importance of addressing the struggles and problems faced by both men and women in today's society. By understanding the emotional challenges unique to boys, we can better support their emotional development and overall well-being.
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Boys' communication skills
Boys tend to develop their relationships shoulder-to-shoulder while engaged in an activity. Going for a walk, taking a ride in the car, or sharing a game or activity introduces two key variables that promote conversation and reduce vulnerability in boys: movement and limited eye contact.
Psychologist Michael Reichert, author of How to Raise a Boy, observes that boys become reluctant to open up because they do not expect to be heard, especially when discussing challenging topics. The more they speak, the more they may share things that are open to being misunderstood.
Adam Cox, author of Cracking the Boy Code: How to Understand and Talk with Boys, emphasizes the importance of tone when communicating with boys. He suggests that using a "task-tone" can minimize the need for boys to decode the speaker's emotions, a more overwhelming and challenging aspect of communication. To practice this, one should aim to sound more like a coach and less like a boss by speaking more slowly, using shorter sentences, and pausing after making important points.
Boys are at greater risk for some ongoing communication disorders, particularly autism, which affects boys at a rate of nearly 4-5 times the incidence of girls. Several early language skills that tend to lag slightly in boys—eye contact, gestures, and joint attention/referencing—are typically deficient in children with autism.
The rise of digital communication has opened up new ways for boys to express themselves to girls, but with a lack of established rules. Boys appear to be paying the price for this deficit in elevated rates of depression and falling levels of academic achievement.
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Boys' friendships
One reason for the change in boys' friendships as they get older is the fear of being teased or rejected. Boys may worry about appearing too close to another male friend and thus retreat from intimate relationships. This can be influenced by societal expectations and stereotypes about masculinity, which may discourage boys from expressing their emotions or showing vulnerability. Statements like “be tough” or "be a man" can inadvertently send signals that discourage boys from forming deep connections with their peers.
Additionally, contemporary demands on their time, such as increased involvement in extracurricular activities and the lack of independent transportation or spending money, can pull boys away from close friendships. The transition from smaller groups of friends to larger social circles can also contribute to a sense of distance and loneliness. While online gaming provides a platform for interaction, it may not replace the intimate connections formed through in-person interactions.
To address these challenges, it is important for parents and educators to initiate conversations about the importance and care of male-male friendships. Intentional discussions about friendship and healthy relationships can help boys navigate the complexities of adolescence and encourage the development of strong, supportive bonds with their peers. By challenging societal stereotypes and providing positive male role models, we can foster a culture that values and nurtures boys' friendships.
Through research and initiatives like Dr. Niobe Way's work and The Listening Project, we can gain a deeper understanding of boys' friendships and find effective ways to support their social and emotional development. By recognizing the significance of these relationships and providing guidance, we can help boys build meaningful connections that can positively impact their overall well-being and resilience throughout their lives.
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